While Watching Benjamin Button

Sometimes I am reminded of the past with a whiff of the most everyday of things - the smell of the streets after the rain, the rain itself, a noodle dish I fell in love with, ASDA, even a bucket of fried chicken used to remind me of you.
But the years have been kind, the mist of whatever sadness or regret have been washed away. And now I could look back at our time together with clarity, a sense of peace. Because what is five months but a mere blip in our lifetime?

There are people who never recover from love. And for a time, I thought I was one of those wretched ones. And though it takes time to learn to cut the ties that binds one to a past. I learned that if we allow ourselves to heal, we’d be surprised at the help that life can send our way to get us back on track.

It was an experience to be young and reckless and to have had a go at doing crazy things for what I thought was love. And for that I can’t help but smile. Thankfully, All is well. And I wish you and her will have a great life together. That for all it’s worth, I hope we both learned our lessons well.

And I don’t honestly know why I am writing this. Maybe it’s the effect of watching that sappy movie, Benjamin Button. Or perhaps it’s just me, writing down what I’ve felt for a long time, and which I’ve kept mum about. ( I kept telling myself, What for? I don’t want a violent reaction from her again!).

If there is one thing I’ve learned from our thing, it’s that all your fears, insecurities, the things you think are unlovable in you, these don’t go away when you find someone whom you think loves you. I realized that nobody can resolve these personal demons but myself. And somehow, I’d like to think that I’ve dealt with a few of them the past years.

Which is why, when I think about it, sure, the months in that foggy land totally changed my life. It erased the path I was so keen on following. But I think I came out of it all better and freer,

As I look into the horizon, I can only smile. Who knows, maybe there’s love waiting for me. Or maybe a few more amazing friendships. But to feel this slight joy, this wonderment at what can possibly be in store for me, it’s a heady feeling. Hope. I am filled with hope again. And I can only smile. It doesn’t matter what comes through. Because for once I am open to what the world has in store for me. And I know too well now, that if things don’t work out, I can always start anew.

And so this is really what I wanted to say, That it doesn’t matter that you broke my heart , and that it doesn’t really matter if you think of me at all or if she hates me still. It’s just that I’ve finally said it. I’m really at peace. And I am so looking forward to what is out there.

At the end of the movie, Benjamin Button had a short monologue: Some people, were born to sit by a river. Some get struck by lightning. Some have an ear for music. Some are artists. Some swim. Some know buttons. Some know Shakespeare. Some are mothers. And some people, dance.

I am still not sure what it is that I’m supposed to do. I am trying to juggle the things that I think are important to me. But then again, I think the whole point is for us to always find time to do the stuffs that matter to us. And that if at one point we find that it’s no longer working, that we have got to have the courage to change and find new avenues to pursue. In love and life, there is no such thing as forever. And that in itself, is a blessing.