just some silly thoughts

The chance that the once benign tumor which they removed a couple of years ago has returned led me to think about some worst case scenarios.

I shared my news to a friend earlier, told him about the tests I took last friday and how I'll get the result on tuesday. He kinda went a bit dramatic, saying how I should not think negative thoughts and then kept asking me if I was okay, like, really okay. It was a bit comical because I ended up being the one who's comforting him, Pacifying him that whatever happens it'd be okay.

It's just that I've been here before. Three years ago I've spent five days of agony waiting for the biopsy results. I've had that feeling of being scared. I remember crying back then, feeling the Ilocos wind on my face, knowing that when I go back to Manila I'd get the verdict if it was the big C or not. But things are a bit different now. It's not that I welcome death. It's just that I think for the past months I've had a bit of spiritual renaissance, so though I'm thinking of the worst case scenario, even that doesn't really make me all sad and crazy. I just trust that whatever comes out of the test, I'd have the faith to overcome the feeling of worries and helplessness. I remarked jokingly that well, being single and all, there wouldn't really be much crying involved anyhow haha. If it happens, like if the tumor's back and this time it's bad-ass "M", then I guess it would be my family who'll be sad but I know that it'll be okay. They're strong enough to handle things. So there.

Funny though because now thinking about things, I realized that what I'd really want to leave as my legacy is not what I've achieved, not the trappings that comes with a pretty good job, or even that pipe dream of mine--to be recognized as a writer. All I want really is to touch people's lives. To be someone they had good memories with. Someone who changed some of their perspectives. One that they might forget in the long run, but who for a fleeting moment, took all their attention and hopefully, made them happy. Wouldn't that be a great testament to a life lived fully? ;)