having nothing much to show at forty two.
I guess it's how media has pushed us to feel so inadequate: You are forty-two? And still working and paying your mortgage and still financially unprepared to retire? What is wrong with you?!! Look as Exhibit 1 who became a millionaire at 30 and retired, now he's having his best life, travelling, earning gazillions from his passive investment! and then there is X, Y and Z. If they can do it, why can't you? You are a loser!
Yeah. There were days I felt this way. You know what jolted me out of this self-defeating cycle of thoughts? Cancer.
You see, in the midst of the corona pandemic, I discovered a lump in my breast. It turned out to be stage two cancer. You see, prior to the diagnosis, all I was worried with was how I could push myself more to get ahead in the race. Do I need to look for side hustles so I can save more? Am I underperforming with my work? What can I do to make my dream of opening a food business possible in the shortest time? I was young at 41, relatively healthy on the side of chubby :-) And was trying to catch up in this futile race to the top. (Which is crazy, because, I was running to the top of whaaaat? I didn't even stop to fully detail what was the "top",the pinnacle, the finish line for success was.)
When I got my cancer diagnosis, I suddenly had to face the fact that I might just die..and soon. And then my long running race to the top just seemed silly. All I wanted then was to live longer and healthier. I wanted to be able to go home to my parents and family and spend time with them (which was impossible due to corona). Suddenly, work wasn't a priority (thank goodness for employers who are considerate) And my days were filled with doctor's appointments, surgery, more doctor's appointments, radiotherapy and still more tests and doctor's appointments. The first three months after diagnosis were scary and literally fatigue-inducing. I think the easiest part of my cancer journey was the surgery itself. I had such amazing surgeons who took the time to really make me feel comfortable. And more importantly, they talked straight, always discussing the worst scenario, the risks, so that I could make the best decisions for myself. But I had to do a month of daily radiation, plus hormone pills, plus injections. And the cumulative side effects were sometimes to much to bear that I would just lie in bed, hoping, praying for strength and for the tiredness, the fatigue to lift.
Last week, ten months, after my diagnosis, on my first comprehensive physical and lab exam post-surgery, I was declared free of breast cancer. I was so happy and at the same time more determined to live a life that is meaningful and genuine.
Each cancer warrior has an Before Cancer and an After Cancer self. I think of my cancer fight as a part of the journey to really flesh out what is important for me--- joy in simple things, a good and close family, enough cushion to fall back on, and the thought that I do my best to live my life each day knowing how precious and fleeting life is. That means letting go of silly goals (especially goals that are shoved down our throats by these materialistic media), and following my own true path.
