At Least be Brave Enough to Keep it Real

There are things that are hard to take at the moment. Stuffs which when I think about, I could almost cringe in anger. It feels as if I’ve been betrayed, and these are secrets I have to keep for now.

But when I think about it, I realize, it is no longer my life. It’s his. And so, as much as I pretend to think that we are still a big part of his life, maybe it’s time to just let him go. I deluded myself into thinking that despite his standoffish ways, that somehow blood is enough to keep us close. Stupid, how I always felt the need to rise up to his expectations. And now, I don’t care anymore. All I want is a life where I could cut ties with him and his not-even-pretty girlfriend. I may have kept quiet all those weeks but I am not stupid. If anything, I’ve always been someone sensitive to those things.

So enough. On the plane on my way back, I felt sadness for all that I have hoped for and for the fact that I don’t even feel he loves us at all. So it’s time to wean away from his shadow, and build a life free from his authority. I decided from today not to let emotions play when it comes to him. Let it be what it is, which is what it's always been for him, I suppose: duty and convenience.

In the meantime, I shall work on my own life. Away from all of them. I’ve allowed myself to be tied down to helping others, to pleasing him, to providing support when it should have been his responsibilities, and what do I get for myself? I've always felt that being tied with such responsibilities at such a young age, that soon I'll reap the rewards. But apart from worries and dissapointment and betrayal, Nothing. So from now on, know that I’m dropping all pretenses. I'm keeping it real, this time around.