Slumber

It began as a bit of wheezing. A shortness of breath and a tingly sensation on my left hand. A few more minutes, maybe as a result of nerves and fear, the lightheadedness came along with a heavy feeling, as if a rock's been lodged in my stomach.

So I took to taking BloPress, the anti-hypertension pill I have not touched for months. I knew it my bones that I was experiencing a spike. Weird, considering how the past months, I often seesaw between normal to borderline low blood pressure.

What does one do when you are almost sure something wrong's about to happen? How do you fight the panic of thinking, Am I about to die?

There was a time when I was all too brave about dying. But tonight, I was scared. And I talked with Him. I have just made new plans, Lord. And I am working on them feverishly. I have just fixed myself a new goal for the coming years. Please, Not yet.

And so I found myself doing Pilates at midnight. To calm my nerves. To leach out the anxiety by focusing on breathing and slow stretchy movements.

And somehow it worked. And here I am at 2 AM typing this up, thankful and relieved. The melodious Sarah McLachlan in the background:

Time here all but means nothing just shadows that move 'cross the wall
they keep me company but they don't ask of me they don't say nothing at all

I need just a little more silence, I need just a little more time