Two Each

The Rash

I have a big red rash on my left thigh. A douse of body oil did not help. It's still as itchy as ever. So I stop every minute or two to slap it. Take that you red blob! And I hit it until the itch turns into this hot sensation. It's the heat that alleviates, I could imagine how direct heat would feel, the flame killing off those itty bitty itchy stuffs.

But nah. I don't want another scar. I have enough of them, thank you. So I resort to slapping, hitting the red spot, now almost the size of my palm. I slap it until little red spots appear, microscopic wounds. This act of unconscious masochism. Trading one pain for another.

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A Friend

When we go out I wear my most outlandish self. I put my red striped socks and my flashy grin. I know just what you need. I am your most fabulous pal, the fag hag who can make you guffaw with her gleeful sarcasm.

I wear my most extravagant self for your sake. Now that one's cheap, it looks so plain. I am your fashion critic, your shopping buddy. Even if I don't buy anything. It's fun being loud, being carefree, enjoying looking through stuff, criticizing the goods without me spending a single penny. And that smile, the grin you get after splurging yet again. Well, that's one lesson I got from you dearie, you get what you pay for even with the things that money can't buy.

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Brown Brown

I dyed my hair brown and it has made all the difference. I love this new me. I no longer feel mousy. The old hat commented that I should not have dyed my hair, because now I am so easily spotted. But that's the point. It's as small, as superficial as a new hair color to turbocharge the change.

Brown Brown it's made me more fun. I love that it made me look a little tan. I'm young and it's fun and yes I've began to enjoy that part of placing a little bit more pizzaz in my formerly traditional, uber conventional plans.

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Balancing

It's about going out with friends and sometimes choosing to stay home. About this short minutes of writing, the nine hour days at the office on call for a new batch of number crunching, of trying to be competent with design. It's also about the thrill of discovering this love for sales. Of wanting, more than to earn profits, the chance to connect and be of help to others.

It's about having some time alone and guarding against loneliness. Goals and dreams versus past failures and sins. It's about being cautious but still taking risks.It's plan A, plan B, and sometimes the chance to allow ourselves to have no plans at all. It's about being responsible without being too adult, too square. It's living and knowing that all this will end one way or the other.