The Consoler

My brother asked me to read the ex-girlfriend’s blog. He says he wants to talk to her when he gets back to Manila just to settle things. He’s asking me to read her recent entry because to his mind, it is an attack to everything that they’ve shared, full of bitterness and perceived hostility.

Two nights ago, just after my father in his attempt to make him happier bought him a new PS3, my brother heard an update about her and consequently cried and wailed in front of us. He truly loves her, that I am sure of. And knowing him too, how he can be a petulant child at times, always having his way at things, I also understand how it has hurt her, that girl who despite breaking his heart, is for what I know of her, is a good person, if a bit childish.

So there we were, the three of us having the first of a really really surreal heart to heart talk to help my brother through his first broken heart. And there was this moment, like I could just step back and be so amazed. Imagine your Dad telling you about stuff as if you were a friend. How I’d talk, based from my own pains and lessons, and hear my father affirm my advice, adding his own thoughts where he deemed it necessary. And you realize, it’s all the same for everyone, no matter how old or seemingly experienced with life they are. You go through love, get flogged for it, heave sighs and waste a few months grieving then you get up and fight again. My Dad tells him, as long as you know that you’ve never intended to hurt her, and that you’ve said your apologies and know that you’ve done all you can, then it’s over. Leave it behind knowing that you gave your best. He says it’s not about being not good enough, it’s about knowing you’re good enough for anyone. I loved that he said it. It’s like he was talking to me too.

I am the big sister he cries to, asks advice from now, the confidant. He tells me, ate please don’t sleep I don’t wanna be alone. And so I keep up as late as I can despite the early commute to work the next day. I am revealing this not as a testament to my goodness. But that having gone through a soul-wrenching breakup myself, having fought and gave all that I had to someone only for him to turn around and say “I wish that you’ll find someone who’ll love you as you deserve” and then without not so much as an explanation, telling me to forgive him for any of his shortcomings, I know all too well how bad and dark it is for my brother. So I stick with him, help him the best way I can. And tell him the situation as I see it.

She’s telling you to move on. That she’s planning a new life without you. And it is so hard, yes. But that’s her decision. And there’s nothing else to do but get over the grief.
The thing is, I am not that strong willed, totally no looking back person all the time. I still get hurt sometimes when I remember the last few months. This has taught me to protect myself by avoiding all chances of getting hurt again. It’s always a trial and error thing, this living and loving stuff. You get burned, you avoid the fire. I tell my brother, at least you knew all the reasons why she’s letting go. For that alone, you have to thank her, she cared enough for you to be honest, in my case he did not even have the balls to tell it straight to my face and that will always be with me,as cliched as it is, forgiven but never forgotten.